a split personality?

A recent friend commented to me recently, in passing, that my blog writings did not match up with the "me" that she observes, therefore I must be a schizo "split personality."

It is a thought-provoking question. I presume it concludes that the experience of me, as being beyond the "a prophet has no honor in his home town" phenomenon, nor of the many roles people play in various life daily situations, even deeper than per Psychosynthesis' vast loose confederacy of subpersonalities which each person has. Since her sudden question has brought a lot of "energy" in my thoughts, it is prudent to explore it thoroughly, and in public here (maybe someone else sees this.)

I do recognize that my opinion of myself as being a gentle man, careful, intelligent, gentle lover of woman, dedicated helper of woman, and nurturer of children, good worker on the job, honest, creator of concepts to help humanity thrive better ... is not a vision shared by many others, if any. Why? Is the "rumor factory" more interesting than the real me? Or is "politically correct" the controlling factor here? Unfortunately, "social loser" could accurately be applied to describe me, in part.

And, possibly related, is that I have an "inner sabateur" that sometimes gets me to do something which is opposite to my intentions, and frequently surprisingly coordinates with external predatory observed activities by others, as if my inner sabateur was in cahoots with someone who considers himself my rival or simply being malicious. In the study of Psychosynthesis I learned that this is a common problem people have, not just me. As to its cause, some of it is explainable by the concept of "a loose confederacy of subpersonalities" which describes the typical person, so I learned. Theory or otherwise, it is quite a nuisance, sometimes.

So, probably what was meant by the question, was of someone who plays two roles which are so separate that they do not know of each other. Yes, I have explored that odd possibility at times in the recent past, based on observed phenomena in recent years increasingly.

One kind of phenomena is that occasionally I discover a bunch of my daily clothes cannot be located: not in the closet, not in the dirty laundry, nowhere in my possession (and my apartment is tiny, not much place to hide large things for long); the discovery is usually triggered by being unable to find the shirt I had assigned for that day's wear, now apparently one of several other items also gone. Usually some weeks later, the shirt shows up again, easily visible along with the other missing clothing, in the closet as before, although not quite as I put them. Since I am the only one living here, I cannot think a companion was involved. The clothing, and sometimes other special trinkets, are really physically temporarily gone, I believe, even though I also know that sometimes I can look right at something I look for, and not see it, or so I have been told; but not a large number of items. Selectively blinded? It is more than the frequent phenomenon that one sock will be missing from clean laundry, and reappears in some subsequent week's clean laundry, that apparently many people experience. (Why would someone want one dirty stinky sock of someone else's?)

Another friend once commented that "you go around pushing people's buttons, and don't know it." Thinking awhile about what was meant by that, I concluded that it is likely that somehow I make a good "mirror", a blank reflector on which some people see their own shadow self. How that all works, is beyond my Asperger's self. It may be behind one kind of phenomena, the "scared of me" phenomena.

So the other kind of phenomenon is that, especially in recent years, occasionally total strangers (although I don't recognize them, they seem to "recognize" me, as if from a "Wanted" poster) react toward me as if I were some kind of "monster". Could be a "button pushing" thing going on, maybe? Attempting to guess what beliefs would have made them act that way toward me, in the various instances and places, people, I came up with this list, each based on one or more instances: "a seductive wife-stealer (using the term "seductive" re me (Asperger's me!) is their total fantasy; yet, in my feeble struggles to find a partial replacement for my lost wife, over the years I conclude that an open marriage woman is not stolen, nor is a woman not disclosing she just is legally separated ... and few women want me as their only man ... I would rather just have my own woman if one were available to me); a stalker (well, I do look longingly at sexy women sometimes when they strut around, though I know it is not me that they want; and my few efforts at trying to follow someone with their consent, very quickly I get lost); a user of black magic to control people (is sending "Light" healing energy magic? surely not the "black" kind ... and lots of others out there seem to do the pins into vodoo dolls weird thing, but not me); a rapist (I'm a lover, not an assaulter; my joy is mostly also her joy); a slasher (for awhile I had to carry my xacto knife in shirtpocket, since a tough co-worker that nobody would want to risk offending, kept taking the one off my bench: in restrospect, looks like a Renteria did set-up re the kinfe action stuff, and changed security camera records; and a McDonald did the on-camera "fingering" of my shirtpocket xacto knife, and result went incredibly far and wide even to a few people nowadays... amazing what tricks they can do); a predatory harmer of children (this is a top "button"pusher" nowadays, which tilts people off their rational senses, so probably is an excellent gambit for the character-assassination team, worth lots of deceptions and then playing it to the hilt); given to sudden fits of destructive violence (does feeling angered at a wrongdoing by someone constitute violence, if I take no physical action?); a shoplifter (I often have lots of things in my pockets, but are mine, not the store's: my apologies to store security staff); a homosexual (my gentleness and social backwardness must confuse them; but I am very "straight"); a drug user ( Asperger's ways seem odd to many people, and I do think that Trader Joes "Hemp seed" cereal is tasty and outstandingly nutritious ... I think hemp was a highly valuable part of original American resources until the drug craze happened); a pipe bomber (I have built several electrical handholds out of the specified 3/4" copper pipe sections each 4" long, as part of some very interesting electrohealth experiments; but in no way are they "bombs" of any kind, and anyone claiming that must be quite ignorant or deceptive); an alcoholic (I do cherish my evening glass of red wine, widely known to extend lifespan and improve quality of life, proven by many scientific studies; but I have abundant opportunities to have alcohol on the job which uses it as a specimen preservative, and is of no interest to me there and then); a user of risky medicines bought through the mail (I get dozens of ads each week in email for such medicines like viagra, but are of no interest to me); a burglar (I do have some jewelry received from my stepfather after my mother died, which I did not recognize even though mixed in with items I did know were hers, I have wondered its origins, maybe they were salted); has Alzeheimer's ("Asperger's" sounds similar to the untrained, which I have had since at least 4 years old, and so apparently I do act somewhat weird at times to some people's view); a member of whatever political party the other does not belong to; and, oh yes, a someone who crazily claims to have a couple grandiose unusual ideas to help mankind that are potentially far more effective than the ideas produced by corporate esteemed highly paid - and thus irate at me - leaders, therefore he is crazy or he stole the ideas from someone else, or else the ideas won't work (I do specialize in creating technological designs that bring in science that is not normally part of current ways of doing things, and which magnifies capability; but its resultant "strangeness" offends the "experts" sometimes).

... Powerful is the cleverly masterminded rumor mill, salted a bit, especially nowadays; crushing the ones "out of line", by reputation control, maintaining the status quo. If he complains, it proves he is paranoid; problem solved, "checkmate"....

That "scared of me" phenomena happens on the bus sometimes, and even in stores I have not been to before, and places I work at, since about the mid 1990's. Even people who have worked with me for years recently, sometimes seem distant and cagy toward me much of the time, acted right from the beginning as if they had previously been told I was "dangerous". I don't think all of this is explainable by my inability to smile on demand, nor my lack of strength in casual chatter with strangers, Asperger's "shifty eyes" seeking neutral space to think, or my stooped posture which is to signify to bullies that I am just passing through, not challenging them (although part of the stoop is from upper spinal injury from unprovoked injury by a bully in grade school.) It might be somehow related to the more recent phenomenon of some thug behind me pulling out some hairs from the back of my head while I ride the city bus, which has happened at least 4 times in recent months: very odd. Overall, it seems some "reputation manipulation" phenomenon, yet a reputation I did not personally cause (although surely I must somehow have offended someone powerful, sometime). (Prior to the mid-1990's, some decades I had occasional problems with political militant extremists, mostly the right-wing variety (having seen too much once), so I became a bit paranoid-leery of them to some extent; again, the cause is baffling to me.)

(All this continues to make it extremely difficult to find a girl friend, already nearly impossible due to my now-semi-senior age and Asperger's social dysfunctionality, especially in initiating contact. As I crave a loving close relationship with a woman who enjoys a lot of loving touch more than verbal babble, this lack of a woman makes life quite uncomfortable for me; and I need her helpful common sense in dealing with the world of people. My dominant sense is that of tactile-kinesthetic, one of a minority, and lucky is the woman who finds me for that comfort; yet without woman's friendly touch, it is a bit like being blindfolded and ears plugged would be to non-tactile people, probably, prevented from primary sensory contact with their world.)

Since in memory etc I seem able to account for all my time and place (but would a "split personality" not know either?), while I remain open to observations that would indicate a "split personality", I also more often find indication that someone "out there" looks like me and is a bad guy, even perhaps deliberately resembling me. Even a guy which uses my clothes at times, perhaps an actor. For a few months, I had even seen a younger man who resembled me of years ago, who I saw near my apartment several times, and once on the Gold Line, once on the Coast Starlighter train. Might be related, or mere coincidence... lots of coincidences.

I do know for sure that at times very expert burglary has accessed my rented living space and stole technical papers from me, removing all documents which I could use for proving my prior conception of some concept, such as the "Pullband Commute System" which the expert(s) swiped from my files and computer back in the mid-1980's, when I lived in the Bay area. Access to my belongings could be frequent, yet by top notch burglary personnel, maybe assisted in recent years by wrongful-purpose access to the cable and internet-connected `camera "security" systems sprinkled who knows where including the streets and stores. Could that be related?

My verbal expression skills are quite a lot weaker than my writing skills. Definitely in conversation, probably because of Asperger's Syndrome and having no peers in my early years, no siblings with whom to practice. Quite a disadvantage not just in attempts to connect with a woman, but also when others challenge me during technical presentations I gave.

So, a pebble got tossed into my quiet pool of consciousness, and up came this big splash!

A friend of many years, in reply to the question of my being a "split personality" commented:
"... read your stuff and conclude the friend may not understand sub personalities as I do think it is the best pattern of thought and labels you have come across though Psy Types also are important to understanding any person and you in particular.
I am helped by remembering about paranoid ideation and can accept what seems like unkind soberness to some when I recall you wrestle with paranoia a lot. Also your honesty to the point of naivety and lack of eye contact seem a combination with that and suffering with Asbergers Syndrome. I don't recall the lack of self awareness that I would expect in a true split however can see how a new friend might be confused as you are unusual."

I replied that I do consider the "paranoid" flavor as being taught when I had to have secret clearances for my work long ago, such as involved with rocket testing at White Sands Missle Range, starting in my early 20's while in co-op program at NMSU in Physics. A High School semi-friend who played chess with me, chased the same girl, and became a MP later, teased my re his ferreting something out of me that I was not supposed to say re my classified work, thus I got some training in being paranoid enough to sort of balance my naivette nature. But it did not include ways to decide who was the "enemy". Many years later I had a TS clearance elswhere in electro-optics R&D: more paranoid-teachings involved.

Probably I also had a bit of paranoid taught when I was bashed and beat up in public by various schoolyard bullies; this was probably because I did not understand the "pecking order" nor understand physical violence, even the relatively gentle types of sports and schoolyard games. Some boys (and girls that bully other girls, too) seem to have a craving to assault others in whatever way they can do without getting punished; this seem an irrational waste of their effort to me, but I have to acknowledge that it does exist in some people, and it pays off for them by attracting the opposite sex, even in grade school. In most guys it seems to eventually get channeled through competitive sports activity, and attaining job positions where they manage or monitor other's activities, a form of "upsmanship" to fill their craving for power. Lacking that need, I do not understand it except abstractly.


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