Some of why people-stuff is complicated to me

Maybe it is only that the morning cup of coffee is still too hot to have had enough caffein this morning, but once again I have been recalling a peculiar event in my life, so why not write about it here in my blog, maybe that will satisfy whatever subconscious thing that is trying to point something out to me that I need to be aware of now.

The event's scenario was that I was in tech school, on my honeymoon too, and the abundant lovemaking was invigorating me enough that my brain was working again lots better. I was doing quite well in the classes, which were eight hours a day on electronics, some theoretical and some applied. In the evenings, I would explain what i was learning in class, explaining to my wife - who knew when to nod her head yes she understood - electronics, and I had to start with basic physics and work up to the present lesson's subject; it was a delightful time in my life.

However, there was a subset of the class members, who once came to me and invited me to spend my evenings studying with them.

That did not seem at all appealing to me, when I could be spending my evenings with my wife on my honeymoon. (Maybe I ought to have tried to explain that to them, now that I look back.)

Anyway, the group subsequently began to act a bit strange towards me, not friendly. That was a time when most people smoked; most of the others in class smoked cigarettes, but I smoked a pipe. Once I noticed one of the group smiling at me and making a show of writing something on a piece of paper, then hiding it in his cigarette pack; it appeared to me that he was suggesting make notes for cheating on tests; a pipe tobacco pouch would also make a place to hide notes, could be. But I had no need to cheat on tests, nor would I even if I needed to do that.

Then I noticed the same guy who had been acting out the cigarette package note thing, talking to the the instructor and pointing at me, waving his cigarette package. The instructor then turned and glared a long time at me, then looked away.

People-stuff is complicated. Probably moreso to me, having Aspergers social ineptitude; but back then, I did not know I had that dysfunction.

In class, eventually the next test had come and gone, and the instructor spoke in front of the class, carefully not looking at me with glares anymore. He announced to the class that he had heard of cheating going on, and so he had made up a brand new test, given for the first time (unlike other tests, apparently - and probably passed around from class to class among the in-group folks.) And he continued, saying that I was the person who got the highest grade on the exam.

All the rest of the class then suddenly kept too-busy at their desks, no longer giving me angry looks. And there was no further grousing about me during that electronics tech class, from then on.

I did not much think about that event back then; I was enjoying my new wife and the joy of learning fascinating electronics and sharing my learning with her in the evenings. Electronics theory was full of very interesting things to contemplate, and the gadgetry utilizing these principles were also fascinating to me, especially with the evoked implications of what else could be done; what wonders.

But working relationships with co-workers always was a bit strained for me, like it was in that class, and then back on the job applying the new knowledge. The people-stuff part of it was real hard for me, although I did my best to be helpful and friendly to others, there always seemed to be some kind of stress present. I tended to get put on jobs where I worked alone, unlike most of the co-workers who worked in pairs much of the time. Not a problem for me; dealing with another person, particularly another man, often made things just harder for me, not easier.

It was not until after many decades later and I found that I no longer could get electronics employment - too old they thought - and thus figured out I was probably retired, that I became cognizant of the fact that psychological testing by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator testing, which I took a couple of times (and later confirmed by Temperament typing testing and info) when related to fields of associated endeavor, pointed out that my psychetype - INFP - was the opposite type for doing technician type hands-on physical gadgetry work - I would have found it much easier doing teaching or writing, the testing showed. That my career as a technician was a hard way for me to go, is less important for this post, than to point out - hopefully to myself more clearly to get aware - that the psychological typing also pointed out that for people to feel easy with someone else, they needed to be the same psychological type. Thus this seems to maybe explain the uneasiness between me and my technician type co-workers many times over the four decades of my work.

And it may well explain the classroom scenario re the testing - and it may well be that the group actually believed that I was cheating since I did not spend my evenings studying with them. That they attempted to make the instructor think I was cheating, however, is another part of the people-stuff that is so complicated to me.

Some things like that just give me a feeling of exasperation.

Yet, I too was part of the series of events that put me on the difficult career path in electronics as a technician, as a result of dropping out of the co-op program with WSMR as a physics major, and subsequent dropping out of college completely, the sudden extreme tinnitus and ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder, that canceled out the Asperger's strength of focused attention on a subject of special interest) and all being quite a struggle for me for studying. Electronics I had chosen for my co-op student path at WSMR (White Sands Missile Range, in New Mexico) - radio telemetry, quite interesting - and so electronics was how I could best earn a living after college dropout, and thus the career in electronics happened. So, that ought to be part of my exasperation - it is partly me and not just those other folks.

I have often mentioned in this blog my hypothesis that people have a need for drama in their life, a basic need like food and shelter. So, maybe the above is part of my unconscious setting up drama for myself.... I guess drama is drama, whether or not it is of a preferred type.

Writing high tech sci fi is more fun. Would be lots more fun if I had a good woman's comforts in my intimate ongoing life too; but, looking back, a woman in my life tends to bring on a huge amount of drama for Aspergers me - usually nice drama, but sometimes lots of struggle too, unfortunately. But looking back, rarely was the spice of life too hot to fully enjoy with woman, if ever.

I think that lots of men consider their wife mostly just a bragging symbol to others of how successful the man is - especially how much better they are than the men who have not been able to have a wife at the time - and so I doubt they would understand much of what I have written here. Many people seem to me to have the "whose-better-than-whom" guiding-light thing.

Anyway, I hope writing this blog post will help me to comprehend more of my ongoing life. Life is easier and less exasperating when I have some reasonable comprehension of what is going on. Maybe this blog post will help some other poor Asperger someday, too.

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